Thursday, February 26, 2015

Think Tank Invents New Approach to Environmental Issues

(WASHINGTON D.C.) For decades, the conservative factions of American politics have been perceived by the public as anti-environmental. The political consulting group Americans for Better Everything Tomorrow, after a year-long study of the problem, held a press conference Wednesay to unveil a new initiative that promises to modify that perception.

"People ask us what we're doing about natural resources and the environment," said Derek Drilbore, spokesman for ABET. "There's a lot of political pressure, and even market pressure, in favor of energy conservation. But we've never supported and cannot support energy conversation in its raw form, because it's bad for our lifestyle, bad for the economy, and bad for our vision of the future."

"That dilemma is now solved. We've developed a new semantic method that reconfigures some of the letters in the words ENERGY CONSERVATION into a more efficient sequence. The outcome of that novel process gives us clean, healthy GREENY CONVERSATION. Greeny Conversation has many of the public relations benefits of... that other thing. But it doesn't involve actually doing anything, so it doesn't have any of the disruptive market effects. It's also much easier to implement. That makes it possible for the political establishment and, we hope, the general public to support it without reservation."

"In a nutshell, we've refined a crude toxic phrase into a clean safe political resource," summarized Drilbore, to a shower of applause from the press.

Greeny Conversation consists of expressing and sharing concerns about energy, environmental and resource issues, at all levels of society, while continuing to live and do business exactly the same as before.

When asked for examples of how average citizens can take advantage of Greeny Conversation in their own lives, Drilbore suggested bumper stickers, protest marches, and impassioned blogging. He added that, for those who aren't inclined toward public gestures, "hand-wringing and displaced guilt are also appropriate and safe pursuits."

But the greater potential of Greeny Conversation lies in the corporate community. Drilbore explained that he expects the power of industry to take the concept much farther. For instance, corporations can add 'Eco-' to the name of product features, or use tranqul nature scenes in their advertising. Entertainment corporations can base their stories on anti-corporate pro-environment themes, showing in the process how the forces of nature manage to overcome even the most ruthless exploitation. 

Activist groups can also do their part to stimulate Greeny Conversation. Drilbore suggested, seemingly off the cuff, flying several dozen members to some remote part of the world to deploy a consciousness-raising sign on someone else's fragile sacred ground. "Raising consciousness. That's always a good thing" Drilbore said. "If you're concentrating on that, you're participating in Greeny Conversation in a fundamental way."

When asked whether Greeny Conversation offers any answer to climate change, Drilbore replied, "I'm glad you brought that up. This work is preliminary, but I'm authorized to tell you that ABET has made great strides toward changing our perception of CLIMATE CHANGE, using the same powerful linguistic methodology that gave us Greeny Conversation. We believe that the problem is not, as so-called climate scientists have blindly assumed, caused by any CHEMICAL AGENT. Instead, we've identified the true culprit as a CHEATING CAMEL."

"Who, me?"
Intelligence assets in the Middle East have been alerted. ABET is confident the problem will be resolved once the forces of the allied nations find the philandering pseudoruminant and bring it to heel.

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